What to say instead of "How was your day?"

Imagine waking up for the bus at 7:30, eating a hearty lunch of fruit snacks and tater tots, and spending most of your day at a desk with no lumbar support. By the time you get picked up at 2:30 you're exhausted.

You open the car door and mom says: "How was your day?!". The last thing you want to do is replay your day. As a 9 year old, you aren't skilled In diplomatic responses, so instead of saying: "Good to see you mom. I've had a long day and need to decompress and eat something right now, can we talk about it later?"... you grumble, roll your eyes, or mumble "good".

Mom sees your behavior as disrespectful and says: "Don't talk to me like that". Not sure how to talk to her, you soon find yourself embattled In a power struggle over iPad time. When you finally get home, you're crabby, mom's upset, and come to think of It, you're hungry.

Few of us are at our best after a long day. But that's usually when we find each other as tired parents and tired kids. To minimize conflict and maximize quality time, try these strategies when you reconnect after a long day:

Strategy 1: I Love You Just The Way You Are

If you're a Billy Joel fan too, you're singing these lyrics already. But you don't need to know Joel's music to appreciate the sentiment. Being loved, exactly as we are, is one of the greatest graces we can give our kids.

Toni Morrison has this famous quote where she highlights this concept beautifully. She said: “When a child walks in the room, your child or anybody else's child, do your eyes light up? That's what they're looking for.”

Too often we greet kids with correction or criticism. Where's your lunch box? Is that a stain on your new shirt? Did you turn In your homework?

What if, before we jumped Into critique or questions, we started by saying:

• It's good to see you

• I thought of you today when...

• This thing reminded me of you....

Next time you're in the carpool pickup, anticipating a reunion with your child, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and remember: "I love you just the way you are". Your presence, more than your words, convey acceptance. If there are Important things to correct, do it later. The carpool line is rarely a productive time for anything besides hi's and goodbye's.

Strategy 2: Conveniently Placed Snacks

There's this thing about parenting that I'm slowly starting to learn. Our kids don't love when we provide a solution but they'll take the offering if it's their idea.

My toddler, who runs on strawberries and pure adrenaline, will typically refuse an offering of food. But when I set a bowl of food on her chair and walk away, I hear her chowing down within a few minutes.

If your child Is similar, I'd suggest having a variety of yes snacks* within their proximity. No battle over what they can or will eat, just accessible food to nourish their bodies and allow their brain the energy it needs to regulate. Consider this same strategy for yourself If you, like me, suffer from hanger.

*A few years ago I worked at a therapeutic summer camp. Children came from a variety of backgrounds, including those in the foster care system. With the belief that all children deserve access to food when they need it, the program had a supply of "yes snacks". Between mealtimes, hungry kids could choose from foods like cheese sticks, yogurt, and fresh vegetables.

Strategy 3: Hello And Goodbye Routines

Routines signal to children that their environment Is predictable and safe. In a world that is filled with unpredictability, we can bookend our Interactions with a special hello and goodbye.

This could look like:

• A personalized handshake, created together

• A word or phrase

• An inside joke

• A head nod, wink, or silent signal

Consider a routine that is simple to duplicate, easy to remember, and minimally demanding. If you don't want to do a choreographed dance every time you see your child, consider scaling back to a silent signal (like making a heart with your hands).

If your child Is In a surly mood and rejects the routine, brush It off and come back to It later. A look, touch on the shoulder, or soft smile can take the place of the usual routine If neither of you are in the mood.

What To Do When The Strategies Don't Work:

Inevitably, there will be times when you've done all the right things, said all the right things, and your child still responds poorly. That doesn't mean all is lost.

Keep in mind that kids, just like adults, have long days, get irritable, and function best when they're fed, rested, and physically comfortable. When your child responds with a grumble after you attempt to connect, you can take a breathe, say something like: "Long day? I hear you." And then be quiet. Rarely are their attitudes personal.

Defiance Is data. Irritability is information. If you can look beyond the behavior when your child's actions are baffling, you'll likely find an unmet need that they aren't yet skilled In expressing. From hunger to overwhelm, when we respond to our child with acceptance, understanding, and curiosity, we're likely to learn much more than if we say "How was your day?"

Best,

Lily