What To Say When Your Child Wants To Play (and you don't!)
Updated: 4 days ago
Let's Begin By Saying The Quiet Part Out Loud
Few things make my play therapist heart happier than finding my daughter's toys mid storyline. I often bump into baby dolls on dining room chairs and pretend food littered across a pretend kitchen. While driving to work yesterday morning I noticed an unexpected passenger. "Rex", her beloved T-rex figurine, had somehow escaped her care and found his way to me.
When I am feeling rested and thoughtful, these toys bring me joy. I know they are important details in my toddler's developing world. But admittedly, when my energy is depleted, the last thing I want to do is play. And I am a play therapist!
I admit this out loud because I have heard many parents share the same thoughts, quietly and with shame. At some point, a cohort of us must have received a message that said: "You need to play with your kid. Period." Without instructions about when, how, or why kids asks us to play, we were left with no choice but to feel guilty when we responded to any ask with a "No."
My hope Is to share an alternative message with you. One that makes play feel approachable and shame-free. This is for those of us who cannot bear the thought of getting on the floor when we feel like crawling in to bed.
Why Children Ask Us To Play
Children often invite us to play when they are looking for connection. What they play and how they want us to participate can give a glimpse into the level of connection they are seeking.
Here are some examples to Illustrate this point:
A child who wants to be read to may be looking for physical closeness that doesn't require intense eye contact
A child who wants to play a favorite board game may be looking for predictability and a sense of mastery
A child who wants to be chased around at the park may want you to notice how strong and capable they are
Our job is not to interpret our child's play but instead to understand that all play is purposeful. The invitation to play is often a child's way of saying: "You are an important part of my world. I want to spend time together".
It is also worth considering the insistence and persistence of the ask. A child who is adamant we play with them and repeated in the ask may be communicating a heightened need for connection. They could also be bored, lonely, wanting help, or anxious. Whatever the reason, their insistence is good information. A child seeking connection is not needing behavioral coaching, teaching, or lectures. They need your presence.
How To Play You(r) Child's Way
There is a 100% likelihood that your child will have ways of playing that do not appeal to you. Your 8 year old may love Roblox. You may want to crawl in a hole when you think about Roblox. What matters is not that you play in the same ways. What matters is that you find ways of engaging in play that are satisfying for both of you.
Brene Brown talks about finding shared forms of play in her audiobook: "The Gift of Imperfect Parenting". She Instructs listeners to create a literal venn diagram with a circle for each person in the family. Every person's circle holds the ways they like to play. Any shared forms of play can be noted where those circles intersect. I encourage you to make a venn diagram for yourself and your family. Notice where your Interests overlap. Lean on those activities when playing together.
This is the point where most parents ask this question: So what do I do when my kid invites me to play in a way that is not on my Venn diagram?
If we assume that most requests to play are really requests for connection, we can find ways of connecting that are fulfilling for parents and kids.
Take the Roblox example. Your child says: "Hey mom, come play Roblox with me". You cringe inside, looking for an escape. instead of brushing them off or giving an excuse, you say: "Show me what you're doing on Roblox, I know how important it is". They show you and you express curiosity. You acknowledge, "Buddy, I'm not feeling like Roblox right now, and It's time for me to get dinner started. Do you want to help me cut the vegetables? If they say no, you say: "When I have dinner In the oven, I want to see what you've created."
In this example, you have modeled curiosity, empathy, compromise, and most importantly: you have met their request for connection with... connection.
The Special Play Time Technique
If you have a young child or a child who struggles to be told no, it might help to build in 5-10 minutes of "special play time" each day. Here is how I structure this time:
Find a 10 minute window of time.
Let your child know that you have noticed how Important it is to play together.
Explain that during special play time, they get to decide what you play together. You can ask If they would prefer 5 or 10 minutes of special play time (most will say 10 and will feel empowered by the option).
Focus on joining in their play, rather than creating your own storyline, asking questions, or trying to turn special time Into a learning experience. This Is your child's time to lead!
Put your phone in another place, focus your attention on your child, and spend that time in their world.
After 10 minutes is up, ask If they would like to have special play time the next day.
Because the intention of this time is connection, special play time should not be used as a reward or taken away as punishment.
Here is what this time can look and sound like:
Your 4 year old knows that every day right before dinner, it is "special play time". She instructs you to be a customer at her restaurant. You whisper "what do you want me to order?". She points to the pretend fridge and says: "Ice cream!". You resist the urge to tell her that ice cream is kept in the freezer, not the fridge, and you excitedly pretend there are sprinkles because she excitedly told you that your ice cream has sprinkles. Ten minutes pass and she protest: "No! More time!". You say: "I have so much fun being together. Do you want to do special play time again tomorrow?".
If she protests and insists you keep playing, you take that as helpful information. She is telling you something in four year old language. Four year olds are excellent at communicating with protests, negotiating, and crying. You speak to her message, not the behavior, and say: "I want to spend more time together. I need to do this right now, want to work on It together?".
You remember that the intensity of her reaction may relate to the intensity of her feelings, and a big reaction to special play time ending is a chance for you to step back and wonder:
What Is she trying to tell me?
How can I be more intentional in my time with her?
I know that transitions are difficult for her. What makes transitions easier?
Is the intensity because it's almost bedtime, time for food, or related to another physical need?
With curiosity, rather than reactivity, you can make informed parenting choices. Tomorrow you hold special play time after dinner, it makes the transition easier. You find other ways to connect with your daughter throughout the day, Special play time becomes a routine you both look forward to.
If We're Being Real
The above examples are ideals. In a perfect world, we would do and say the "right" things all the time. Our kids would never be unhappy and life would always be harmonious. The reality is, I am writing this blog as my toddler insists I color, make all the characters from Winnie the Pooh out of Play-Doh, and feed her macaroni and cheese. I am not good at multitasking. I feel guilty for dividing my attention. There Is a nagging voice In my head that says: "you're being a bad mom If you don't engage with her".
If you are living In a similar reality, I see you. And I am going to give some feedback I also need to receive:
Children are capable, they are creative, and they are resourceful. We cannot always play with them, and In fact, they do not need us to. Our children need parents who understand their own limits and prioritize their time.
We can validate a child's request to play by saying: "I see you, I understand, I want that too, I care about you, etc." We do not need to say yes to offer connection.
Parent and child relationships are built on millions of micro interactions. We care for children In the mundane tasks. We care for them by working. We care for them by setting our own boundaries. We care for them by saying no.
A child's emotional reaction to being told no Is information, not a reflection of our worth or their capacity.
If you try the ideals, digest the realities, and still feel guilty or stuck by requests to play, you are not alone. If your child has ongoing challenges that impact your time together, it may be helpful to consult with a therapist. If you are finding yourself overwhelmed by your child's behavior, that Is also a sign that therapy may be helpful. Wherever you go for guidance, may this be a reminder that no matter the struggle, there Is strength In sharing It out loud. As Mr. Roger's reminds us: "Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable".
Lily
